I am really having to start learning about self-care. I think I know about it, but really, I might be able to see various aspects of it but I am certainly not good at it. Sometimes, people just say do some exercise or have a bath, or something like that. But really, not often is that an actual practical solution or what is needed at the time.
Self-care for me at the moment has many different faces. I have been battling with my anti-depressant medication for a while, and I am currently in the process of changing medication. I am doing this under the watchful eye of a brilliant doctor and wouldn’t want to do it any other way now. That has not always been the case. I have taken myself off medication more times than it is probably good to admit. I just get bored and fed up of taking it and think I can do without. Sometimes, I have managed a few months with no medication, but I know that messing around with them makes things worse. So this time, I’m not getting off but I am changing to something that isn’t so horrible, and doing it properly. It’s hard work, the withdrawal symptoms from the old medication are horrible and my brain goes fuzzy very often. Maybe that’s why I have not been as good as writing as I wanted, but trying not to pressure myself is all part of the self-care.
Then we have home and work life in the middle of a pandemic. I am locked down again with a family that is not my own. Sometimes, I feel really broken with the loneliness and the challenge of being with another family that gets to be together. Sometimes, I don’t want to have to deal with an 18 month old, however cute he is. I did not sign up to live in a house with a small child, but the pandemic changed things. And in normal circumstances when I am out all day at work it would be fine. But it is not how life is at the moment. The office is still open a couple of days a week, so I do get an escape, and I never knew I would enjoy going into the office as much as I do. It has become my happy place and I never thought I would say that.
Being on a course brings all sorts of different challenges and pressures. Turning up to lectures and discussions and groups can be hard work, but I am learning that sometimes just turning up is enough. I beat myself up about this and it is an area that I have to find some more compassion for myself in. My brain tells me I should be doing more. But at the moment, looking after myself, keeping myself safe, allowing myself to just be is what is needed. There is an essay due in and I have asked for an extension. For a lot of people that is nothing. For me, that is a huge deal. It breaks all ideas that I have to be perfect and do everything “right”. It is hard for me to have asked for it, but having that extra bit of time helps take the pressure off and allows me time and space to write. The extension is only 2 weeks, but it is all that is needed to give myself just enough breathing space.
With counselling training comes a placement. And if asking for an extension on an essay was hard, admitting I needed a break from client work was even harder. I have pushed myself hard. I have got the hours I need to get over 2 year within 8 months. So I have the breathing space. But this to me feels like failing. That I “should” be superhuman and “should” be able to keep going. But, that does not serve my clients and is not safe and helpful for them. Self-care becomes important because only in looking after yourself can you truly be there for your clients. All my narratives tell me that I need to just keep going, but a very quite whisper inside says it can be ok to stop.
Sometimes self-care is just allowing yourself time and space to do more or something you really enjoy. For me at the moment, that is doing more craft activities. For others, it will be reading or writing or exercise or, whatever it is that makes you feel more alive. Doing the things that we so often tell ourselves that we are too busy to do. But, the strange thing is, if we let ourselves have some time out to do the things we love, it can lift us to enable us to do other parts of life better.
And here is my final piece of self-care. I have pressure on myself, to write better, to find something profound to say, to write more… but, that is not where I am at tonight. So, we will leave it here. And there are many other ways I am sure that could be listed, and everyone’s way of self-care will be different, but think about yours and see what is needed.
Fragmented Therapist 