The five love languages can be really interesting to look at when we start to struggle. We can really start to think about which of the languages we like to give and which we like to receive. It’s more than liking to receive though, it’s about meeting a much deeper need, and when it’s missing it can be really felt.
The book was written by Gary Chapman in 1992. It is not a new thing, but I am starting to see more and more how it is something I should come back to. The five love languages are acts of service, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time and words of affirmation. You can find several simple questionnaires online to find out which of them you might value, such as the one here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/ As with all online quizzes, we do have to take it with a bit of a pinch of salt, but it can highlight to us where things are important.
For me, while I haven’t really touched much on this recently, it has come up. On a particularly difficult day, on a phonecall with a very good friend, she asked me what my love languages were. My head was a blur and I couldn’t remember what all of them were. As soon as she said them, my gut gave me the answer. Quality time, followed by physical touch. They are both things that I have very little of in my life. That maybe, just maybe, some of the struggle could be down to simply not receiving what I need.
I am at a stage in life where most of my friends are married, and a majority have children. Their lives, rightly so, are tied up to their partners and their families. I understand this, but what it means is they don’t have time. Because what I would like, is time with them, not them and their family. And this is usually not an easy, as it’s not just around family, but jobs and everything else life throws in. I need time, and what most people don’t have to offer is time. I take days off work and get excited to see people, only to find I have been squished in between two other things, and I feel like I am just something else to fit in to a schedule. And it’s not that it’s not important to others, it’s that life is full and complicated. But it really hurts when I want to scream that all I need is a few hours, and no one has it.
And then touch, well, that got almost completely wiped out by coronavirus. I didn’t always get a lot, again, by not being around people who would naturally offer it, or who receive it within their family relationships and don’t think about the fact that a single person might need or want it and that they wouldn’t be receiving it. A simple hug can make the world of difference, and I think the use and impact of them are vastly under-estimated. And then coronavirus came along, and suddenly being able to touch another human was scary. It was discouraged. And again, for those with their families and living in the same house, there were still people to hug and have contact with. And for those of us who are single, we suddenly went weeks, turning into months, without a single touch from another. And now, I crave it. And the odd hug I do get feels like it barely touches the surface of the need, because it’s built up now over so many months, that it is going to take very many hugs to remove the huge hole that has been left. Now it is like there is a huge deficit that has to be made up, before I can start to get the benefit of a hug again.
I don’t think we always recognise what is missing for people. That sometimes people, especially those sitting across from us in a counselling room, might be sat there with a huge hole of need that is not being met. And it’s not through anyone’s fault, it’s just the situation we find ourselves in. And that we need to give some time to exploring how and where these needs can be met. The hole it leaves creeps out in pain and loneliness. And maybe sometimes, although we have to work with words, words aren’t actually going to reach into the depth of their need and we have to help them explore where that can be met.
Fragmented Therapist 