It’s been almost a year since my last post. I always have all these great ideas and thoughts of being able to write, and then I never sit down and manage to do it. There are probably many reasons for this, but the biggest is almost certainly that I do not want to spend time with my thoughts. Being in my head feels unbearable and intolerable, and I don’t know how to get things out with words without ending up down some rabbit hole.
I want to make a new commitment to writing, but will probably end up as unlikely. I want to put myself out there a bit more, that is even more unlikely.
Being a counsellor with the mental health battles that I find myself in makes me feel like a complete fraud. Why would anyone want to talk to me if they knew I could barely keep myself alive. I feel unable to care for myself, I feel unable to keep going. Yet I have clients who seem to hold me up as having it all sorted, and sometimes I feel like screaming that I really don’t. My life feels like a mess, and I struggle to see my way through it… but I can still sit with another and help walk with them it their mess. And maybe that is just the thing to recognise, no one actually has it all together, we are all just muddling through, and I don’t have to pretend that I have the perfect life, I just need to know that I can sit with someone else, while still needing to sit with me.
I wish I could be more positive, I wish my life was better than it is, but it still feels overwhelming. I look at my classmates from my course, a year since qualifying and it feels like they are all out there, being therapists and doing really well. And I feel left behind, like I’m still lost in a battle that I can’t get out of, and I can’t move forward with my life and career until I am out of it. That my fear of not being good enough and of being way too messed up is always going to hold me back, and mean that I am never really going to get anywhere. And maybe one day I will find a way through that, but maybe I won’t and maybe it will always be a battle in my mind.
There is so much more I could say, but I am still not finding the words. I have a few posts in my mind that I could write at the moment, so maybe I should make more of an effort to write them.
Fragmented Therapist 